The Crap Game Corner Double bill (AKA Why you SHOULDN’T play!)

A double whammy of crapness for you today! Aren’t you lucky!!!

  • SuperGran (Tynesoft, based on the Tyne Tees programme), 1985
  • Highlander (Ocean Software, based on the Thorn EMI movie), 1986

Supergran

The title screen in all its…erm….”blue” glory!

Your mission as the titular SuperGran is to thwart an evil gang while wearing a natty tartan hat and riding your flying helicopter bike.

Based on the Tyne Tees telly show, SuperGran sees you controlling the scottish hero through multiple levels, stopping Roderick Scunner Campbell and his gang called The Muscles in their tracks. The show itself lasted two series of 13 episodes each and a christmas special. It attracted many big named stars like George Best, Roy Kinnear, Spike Miligan, Carry On star Charles Hawtry and strongman Geoff Capes. Tynesoft picked up the rights to produce not just one, but two games based on the series: a text adventure and….well….this….erm….pile of old bollo(SNIP! – Ed)

Admittedly, this doesn’t look too bad. It’s just the rest that looks crap

The game itself has you trying to stop Scunner and his two mates. The first level has you flying her crappy looking helicopter and dropping crappy looking bombs on the crappy looking baddies. This bit is actually not too bad. It plays a bit like Jetpac and the subscribers edition of Street Hawk. It controls alright, and is quite bearable. The thing is, why has Gran all of a sudden taken to bombing the bullies instead of giving them a bit of a slap? And how did they all of a sudden get the same flying bikes as Gran? Maybe they snuck onto the set of Galactica 1980 and stole theirs!! The next level sees you saving cars and cats (yes, you saw that right! CATS!!!) while your fuel runs out and you have to top that up. Now, Supergran seems to have grown in size on this level, as you’re not only bigger than the cars, but also bigger than the planes that fly above. Also the cats look bigger than the cars too! A mishap with a meteor maybe? Controlling Gran on this level means you can’t move her left or right as normal, but can only jump left or right. So, quality controls right there! I mean, why couldn’t they have just had walking as well as jumping?

What in the name of Satan’s portion!!!

So, then. The graphics on level one are bearable (apart from the rubbish looking, but well animated) bikes. And the graphics on level two are so sodding poor that someone with crippling arthritis or small hand syndrome could have done a better job! I mean, look at the clouds and hills! LOOK AT THEM!!! Looks like someone just splotted some paint on a piece of paper and though “Yep, that ought to do it!” And the rendition of the theme!! Bloody hell the rendition of the theme…..it slowly sucks away your will to live and your sanity!!

A 7 on the crap-o-meter!

Highlander

From the dawn of time we came. Moving silently down through the centuries, leading many secret lives. Struggling to reach the time of the gathering, where the few who remain will battle to the last. No one has ever known we were among you.

Until now..

Starring Christopher Lambert’s ugly stunt double!

The movie of Highlander has gone on from a flop to something of a cult gem. Starring Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery (as a Scottish-sounding Egyptian!) and Clancey Brown chewing up the scenery as the Kurgen (and who has many of the best scenes and lines!), Highlander tells the story of Connor MacLeod: born in 1518 in Scotland, mortally wounded in battle, and exiled through accusations of witchcraft. Ocean, after making Street Hawk, Miami Vice and Knight Rider, decided that the fantasy movie would make a cracking game. However, it proved to be the opposite……very much the opposite…

This is literally the only level I saw!

You start off in a training fight against Ramirez. Once you’ve been victorious, you face off against a few more opponents until you meet the Kurgen in a rooftop battle to claim “The Prize”: the ultimate knowledge and the chance to become mortal. However, what could have been a pretty decent game…erm….isnt. The static graphics are sufficent at best. However, The character sprites are squashed and pretty shite. It’s like the film has been remade using dwarves, and shuffle about like the cast of Thunderbirds!

Sprites look a load of old cobblers. Backgrounds look alright, though

The controls are utterly useless. Every single move is hard to pull off even simple blocking, making the game utterly unplayable. So unless you’ve the skills of Luke Skywalker, you probably wont see the rest of the game! And don’t get me started on the title screen graphics! Its looks bugger all like Christopher Lambert!!

A 9 on the crap-o-meter!

On Next weeks episode:

Harris asks Maude for her hand in marriage, while Mike looks at more crap games!

– Mike Wilcox

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